Wisdom by Unknown
288 pieces of wisdom
“People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.”
“When your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep becomes your downfall.”
“Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.”
“When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.”
“Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.”
“When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.”
“When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.”
“On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.”
“The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.”
“Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven't even made it.”
“Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.”
“Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.”
“If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.”
“It's always the partner's fault.”
“Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology; when this occurs, they are an endangered species.”
“You should have seen it when *I* got it.”
“Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.”
“Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.”
“Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.”
“The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.”
“All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.”
“As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.”
“Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.”
“Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.”
“People don't change; they only become more so.”
“In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.”
“If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.”
“Batteries not included.”
“Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.”
“Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.”
“Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.”
“When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.”
“Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.”
“Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.”
“If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.”
“Any given program, when running, is obsolete.”
“Any given program costs more and takes longer.”
“If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.”
“If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.”
“Any program will expand to fill available memory.”
“The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.”
“Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.”
“Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.”
“Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.”
“To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.”
“Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.”
“To beat the bureaucracy, make your problem their problem.”
“The amount of trash accumulated within the space occupied is exponentially proportional to the number of living bodies that enter and leave within any given amount of time.”
“Since no matter can be created or destroyed (excluding nuclear and cafeteria substances), as one attempts to remove unwanted material (i.e., trash) from one's living space, the remaining material mutates so as to occupy 30 to 50 percent more than its original volume.”
“Dust breeds.”
“The odds are 6:5 that if one has late classes, one's roommate will have the earliest possible classes.”
“One's roommate (who has early classes) has an alarm clock that is louder than God's own.”
“When one has an early class, one's roommate will invariably enter the space late at night and suddenly become hyperactive, ill, violent, or all three.”
“What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.”
“If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.”
“Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it.”
“The larger the project or job, the less time there is to do it.”
“The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.”
“In an R & D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be defined simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time, and resources ($). 1) If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed for the completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost. 2) If the time and resources ($) are clearly defined, then it is impossible to know what part of the R & D task will be performed. 3) If you are given a clearly defined R & D goal and a definite amount of money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion of the task, one cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached. 4) If one is lucky enough to be able to accurately define all three parameters, then what one is dealing with is not in the realm of R & D.”
“Negative expectations yield negative results.”
“Positive expectations yield negative results.”
“Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.”
“Any given dress is: indecent 10 years before its time, daring 1 year before its time, chic in its time, dowdy 3 years after its time, hideous 20 years after its time, amusing 30 years after its time, romantic 100 years after its time, and beautiful 150 years after its time.”
“When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.”
“You have taken yourself too seriously.”
“Never buy a car that has a wick.”
“The check's in the mail.”
“Anticipation is half the fun.”
“I promise I won't come in your mouth.”
“The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just beyond reach. (The technical term for this force is 'car suck.')”
“The higher the quality of a catch or the comment it receives, the greater the probability of a crummy return throw. ('Good catch... Bad throw.')”
“One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than, 'Watch this!' (Keep 'em guessing.)”
“The higher the costs of hitting any object, the greater the certainty it will be struck. (Remember: The disk is positive; cops and old ladies are clearly negative.)”
“The best catches are never seen. ('Did you see that?' 'See what?')”
“The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Wrong way = long way.)”
“The most powerful hex words in the sport are: 'I really have this down -- watch.' (Know it? Blow it!)”
“In any crowd of spectators at least one will suggest that razor blades could be attached to the disc. ('You could maim and kill with that thing.')”
“The greater your need to make a good catch, the greater the probability your partner will deliver his worst throw. (If you can't touch it, you can't trick it.)”
“The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. ('Just one more!')”
“No experiment is ever a complete failure -- it can always serve as a bad example, or the exception that proves the rule (but only if it is the first experiment in the series).”
“Merely because the group is in formation does not mean that the group is on the right course.”
“Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.”
“Fancy gizmos don't work.”
“If nobody uses it, there's a reason.”
“You get the most of what you need the least.”
“All generalizations are false.”
“Whoever has the gold makes the rules.”
“Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.”
“Just between you and I, case is important.”
“Verbs has to agree with their subject.”
“Watch out for irregular verbs which has cropped up into our language.”
“Don't use no double negatives.”
“A writer mustn't shift your point of view.”
“When dangling, don't use participles.”
“Join clauses good like a conjunction should.”
“And don't use conjunctions to start sentences.”
“Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.”
“About sentence fragments.”
“In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep strings apart.”
“Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.”
“Its important to use apostrophe's right.”
“Don't abbrev.”
“Check to see if you any words out.”
“In my opinion I think that the author when he is writing should not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words which he does not really need.”
“Then, of course, there's that old one: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.”
“Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.”
“When someone you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.”
“Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.”
“One man's brain plus one other will produce about one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many.”
“Things are more like they are now than they have ever been before.”
“Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.”
“The degree of a country's development is measured by the ratio of the price of an automobile to the cost of a haircut. The lower the ratio, the higher the degree of development.”
“Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.”
“Everything is cold except what should be.”
“Everything, including the corn flakes, is greasy.”
“The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.”
“Them what has -- gets.”
“Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.”
“She who is silent consents.”
“S = D/K. S is the status of a person in an organization, D is the number of doors he must open to perform his job, and K is the number of keys he carries. A higher number denotes higher status. Thus the janitor needs to open 20 doors and has 20 keys (S = 1), a secretary has to open two doors with one key (S = 2), but the president never has to carry any keys since there is always someone around to open doors for him (with K = 0 and a high D, his S reaches infinity).”
“A disagreeable law is its own reward.”
“Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.”
“Those who have the shortest distance to travel invariably arrive latest.”
“When the law is against you, argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.”
“All laws, whether good, bad, or indifferent, must be obeyed to the letter.”
“Never say 'oops' in the operating room.”
“The longer ahead you plan a special event, and the more special it is, the more likely it is to go wrong.”
“Wait till last year.”
“In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:40 p.m. on Friday.”
“Under the same conditions, if any minor dimensions are given to sixteenths of an inch, they cannot be totalled at all.”
“The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 a.m. on Monday.”
“It exists.”
“Think before you act; it's not your money.”
“All good management is the expression of one great idea.”
“No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.”
“Cash in must exceed cash out.”
“Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs.”
“Either an executive can do his job or he can't.”
“If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't do it.”
“If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly.”
“If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail.”
“The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it.”
“Organizations always have too many managers.”
“The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.”
“Money isn't everything. (It isn't plentiful, for instance.)”
“In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a developed country, don't breathe the air.”
“The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.”
“There is no proposition, no matter how foolish, for which a dozen Nobel signatures cannot be collected. Furthermore, any such petition is guaranteed page-one treatment in the New York Times.”
“Vyarzerzomanimororsezassezanzerareorses?”
“Make it sufficiently difficult for people to do something, and most people will stop doing it.”
“If no one uses something, it isn't needed.”
“Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.”
“Actually, it only SEEMS as though you mustn't be deceived by appearances.”
“The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct.”
“Whenever two hypotheses cover the facts, use the simpler of the two.”
“Cut the crap.”
“If it tastes good, you can't have it. If it tastes awful, you'd better clean your plate.”
“There comes a time when one must stop suggesting and evaluating new solutions, and get on with the job of analyzing and finally implementing one pretty good solution.”
“Those supplies necessary for yesterday's experiment must be ordered no later than tomorrow noon.”
“When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.”
“All things being equal, all things are never equal.”
“You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.”
“Exultation.”
“Disenchantment.”
“Confusion.”
“Search for the Guilty.”
“Punishment of the Innocent.”
“Distinction for the Uninvolved.”
“In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.”
“Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.”
“In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.”
“The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.”
“The most vital dimension on any plan or drawing stands the greatest chance of being omitted.”
“If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.”
“If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.”
“All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.”
“Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly completed.”
“Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.”
“Interchangeable parts won't.”
“Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.”
“Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.”
“Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.”
“Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.”
“Service Conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.”
“If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.”
“Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.”
“If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is set through service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.”
“Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.”
“A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.”
“Once the erosion of power begins, it has a momentum all its own.”
“When the polls are in your favor, flaunt them.”
“When the polls are overwhelmingly unfavorable, either (a) ridicule and dismiss them or (b) stress the volatility of public opinion.”
“When the polls are slightly unfavorable, play for sympathy as a struggling underdog.”
“When too close to call, be surprised at your own strength.”
“Every day, in every way, things get better and better; then worse again in the evening.”
“The second most powerful phrase in the world is 'Watch this!' The most powerful phrase is 'Oh yeah? Watch this!'”
“The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions.”
“Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. (also known as the How Come It All Landed On Me Law)”
“Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (the authority who imposed the deadline).”
“It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the project from the best of all possible efforts to the best that can be expected given the limited time.”
“Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own eyes, because it is assumed that the importance of the work justifies the stress.”
“Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of other duties can be achieved, so that the obviously stressed worker can concentrate on the single effort.”
“Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.”
“It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job can be done.”
“The productivity, P, of a group of people is: P = N x T x (.55 - .00005 x N x (N - 1) ) where N is the number of people in the group and T is the number of hours in a work period.”
“Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you're not.”
“The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time. The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.”
“For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.”
“The minute you sign a client is the minute you start to lose him.”
“Nice guys finish fast.”
“Evil is live spelled backwards.”
“If it feels good, don't do it.”
“The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.”
“Reforms come from below. No man with four aces howls for a new deal.”
“If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.”
“Enough research will tend to support your theory.”
“In a restaurant with seats which are close to each other, one will always find the decibel level of the nearest conversation to be inversely proportional to the quality of the thought going into it.”
“The hidden flaw never remains hidden.”
“Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after -- and only after -- the plans are complete. (Often called the 'Now they tell us!' Law.)”
“In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.”
“The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.”
“If, when completion of a design is imminent, field dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are -- instead of as they were meant to be -- it is always easier to start all over.”
“It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.”
“After painstaking and careful analysis of a sample, you are always told that it is the wrong sample and doesn't apply to the problem.”
“After large expenditures of federal, state, and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding population with noise, dust, and fumes -- the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one-half mile.”
“If it works, don't fix it.”
“O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.”
“Sometimes, where a complex problem can be illuminated by many tools, one can be forgiven for applying the one he knows best.”
“An object will fall so as to do the most damage.”
“In order to discover anything you must be looking for something.”
“If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.”
“An object will fall so as to do the most damage.”
“In any slide presentation, at least one slide will be upside down or backwards, or both.”
“Given any problem containing n equations, there will be n+1 unknowns.”
“An object or bit of information most needed, will be least available.”
“In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else.”
“Badness comes in waves.”
“In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay for a given task increases in inverse ratio to the unpleasantness and difficulty of the task.”
“Celibacy is not hereditary.”
“In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow.”
“The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.”
“The market will rally from this or lower levels.”
“The public is always wrong.”
“The first example of superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of inferior principle.”
“It's bad luck to be superstititious.”
“Exploit the inevitable (which means, take credit for anything good which happens whether you had anything to do with it or not).”
“Don't disturb the perimeter (meaning don't stir up a mess unless you can be sure of the result).”
“Stay in with the Outs (the Ins will make so many mistakes, you can't afford to alienate the Outs).”
“Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.”
“Find out the cost before you get in.”
“If you think you're wrong, you're wrong.”
“If you think you're wrong, you're right.”
“Most accidents in well-designed systems involve two or more events of low probability occurring in the worst possible combination.”
“The number of errors made is equal to the sum of the squares employed.”
“He travels fastest who travels alone . . . but he hasn't anything to do when he gets there.”
“No matter how many rooms there are in the motel, the fellow who starts up his car at five o'clock in the morning is always parked under your window.”
“The time spent on any item of the agenda will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.”
“It seemed like the thing to do at the time.”
“All general statements are false.”
“By definition, when you are investigating the unknown, you do not know what you will find.”
“You will need three umbrellas: one to leave at the office, one to leave at home, and one to leave on the train.”
“Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.”
“If it happens, it must be possible.”
“As soon as you mention something, if it's good, it goes away; if it's bad, it happens.”
“Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.”
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
“A military disaster may produce a better postwar situation than victory.”
“Research scientists are so wrapped up in their own narrow endeavors that they cannot possibly see the whole picture of anything, including their own research.”
“The Director of Research should know as little as possible about the specific subject of research he is administering.”
“Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.”
“Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”
“No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.”
“What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.”
“When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.”
“The one who snores will always fall asleep first.”
“Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.”
“Takeoff is optional, landing is compulsory.”
“Never argue with a fool -- people might not know the difference.”
“Celibacy is not hereditary.”
“It always takes longer to get there than to get back.”
“Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is bound to change.”
“Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.”
“The first ninety percent of the take takes ten percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.”
“Do unto others as was done unto you.”
“The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.”
“The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing.”
“When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.”
“In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow.”